my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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