Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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