I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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