Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
