In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
