Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
