There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
