Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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