It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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