Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
