Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
