trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
