My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I think I have vodka in my lungs
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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