all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
