how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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