The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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