I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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