It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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