Please, let me fuck your mom
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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