I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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