a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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