If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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