Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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