there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
