remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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