Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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