Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
