Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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