cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You are a genius and a whore.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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