chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
