I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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