There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
