you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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