Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
