Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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