Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
