I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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