its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
