Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
