i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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