i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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