He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
