the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
