Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
