She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
