So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
