I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
