I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
