I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
