I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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