i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
