Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
