If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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